We here at AJATT usually like to focus on the lighter side of things. But especially around Halloween, there are potential dangers that everyone should be aware of.

Trick-or-treating brings young people out on the streets after dark, leaving them vulnerable to attacks when they least expect it. And we’re not talking about people that kill cats or put razor blades in apples or poison lollipops… No, there is a much more serious threat, a threat that can easily grow to post-apocalyptic proportions if left unchecked…

We are talking, of course, about zombies.

Luckily, at least one successful escape from a would-be flesh eater has been captured on video. A few years ago in Japan, against all odds, a young boy — with a little bit of help from his sister and younger brother — saved their family from a zombie attack. As avid horror film enthusiasts, the three children were uniquely prepared with the knowledge and tools they would need. Their valiant fight was recorded by a TV camera crew who just happened to be filming at their home that night.

We present that footage here, in the hope that it can act as a kind of instructional video to help us all prepare for the unthinkable.

 「ホラー大好き3姉弟、ゾンビ撃退作戦！」 （ほらー・だいすき・さん・してい＝きょうだい、ぞんび・げきたいさくせん！： “3 Horror-Loving Siblings and Their Zombie-Repelling Tactics!”）

The Night That Turned Their World Upside-Down

It was an evening just like any other evening. The family members were relaxing at home, enjoying wholesome family activities like imitating the crabwalk from the Exorcist—a “special skill” (特技・とくぎ) of the daughter.

Then all of a sudden—

外から悲鳴が・・・　（そと　から　ひめい　が・・・）

—shrieks from outside.

The family hurried out to see what was happening, only to find

逃げ惑う近所の人々　（にげまどう　きんじょの　ひとびと）

panicked neighbors running down the street, fleeing from…but it couldn’t be…but yes, yes it was…

ゾンビが来た！ゾンビが来たぞ！皆が好きなゾンビが来たぞ！

（ぞんび　が　きた！　ぞんび　が　きた　ぞ！　みんな　が　すきな　ぞんび　が　きた　ぞ！）

A zombie! In a tragic twist of irony, one of the children’s favorite horror film icons had come to attack their own neighborhood!

The family rushed back into their home, the youngest child, Tomo （友・とも）, overcome with terror:

怖い！（こわい！）

Unfortunately, the worst was still to come. A woman from next door arrived—

近所のオバちゃんがゾンビから預かった手紙

（きんじょの　おばちゃん　が　ぞんび　から　あずかった　てがみ）

—with a letter from the zombie!

なんて書いてある？（なんて　かいてある？）

“What does it say?” The children gathered around only to have their worst fears confirmed:

「もうすぐいきます　ゾンビ」

“I’ll be there shortly.    -Zombie”

An announcement of an imminent attack—in chillingly polite Japanese!

Battle Plans

戦おう！（たたかおう！）

“Let’s fight!” The reporter rallied the children.

俺（おれ）、やるわ！

“I’ll get him!” cried Tora（虎・とら）, the older brother, waving his toy machine gun by its barrel like a baseball bat.

よーし、やる気（き）になってきた！

“Atta-boy! All fired up and rarin’ to go!”

Meanwhile his older sister Rinko（凛子・りんこ） readied the traps. Pot hung above the door, check. Tape stretched across the bottom of the door frame, check.  And most importantly:

タバスコを配置（はいち）！

Tabasco sauce, CHECK.

３対１や！　（さん　たい　いち　や！）

“It’s 3 against 1!” she piped up with Kansai bravado as they took their stations.

Confidence was running high until…

タバスコ　こぼす！

“You’re gonna tip over the tabasco!” warned the mother. But it was too late. The sauce spilled, unnerving Tora.

But this was no time to cry over spilled tabasco sauce. Thud, thud, thud—heavy footsteps on the stairs!

The Zombie Arrives!

来た、来た！頑張って、頑張って！　（きた、きた！がんばって、がんばって！）

“He’s come, he’s come!” whispered the reporter, “Give it all you’ve got!”

Removing his shoes after entering, as Japanese zombies tend to do, the zombie

仕掛けには、全てお付き合いします　（しかけ　には、すべて　おつきあい　します）

obligingly stumbled through all the traps that had been laid. But would it be enough to stop him?!

The door creaked open…Rinko dropped the pot too soon!  In his panic, Tora threw his toy gun at the zombie and had to retreat.

But the next trap was successful! The zombie fell to his knees…

冷たい～　（つめたい～）

“It’s co-old!” He lurched up only to trip once again and plunge head first into the next trap!

With the zombie distracted…

凛子ちゃん、先回りしてサランラップスタンバイ！

（りんこちゃん、さきまわりして　さらんらっぷ　すたんばい！）

Rinko ran ahead into the next room to ready their secret weapon—*SARAN WRAP*

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen—

アレ血、アレ血！　（あれ　ち、あれ　ち！）

—“That’s blood, that’s blood!” Tora bravely guided the zombie toward the “blood” on the floor…

血！？　（ち！？）

“Blood?!” The zombie was all ears.

食べるんやろ！　（たべるんやろ！）

“Try some!”

Tabasco bombs away! His mouth on fire, the enraged zombie turned on the children…

Backed Into a Corner

早く、早く！こっち逃げよう！そっち逃げよう！　（はやく、はやく！こっち　にげよう！そっち　にげよう！）

“Hurry, hurry! Run over here! Run over there!”

Flinging projectiles at the zombie, the children backed into the inner room.

来い！　（こい！）

“Bring it!” yelled Tora from the door, holding a toy dinosaur tied to a string above his head.

The zombie lurched closer…only to be struck back by the swinging dinosaur!

死ねよ！絶対死ね！　（しねよ！ぜったいしね！）

“Die! I mean it!!”

もっと来い！もっと来い！早く！もっと来いや！

（もっと　こい！　もっと　こい！　はやく！　もっと　こい　や！）

“C’mon! C’mon! Hurry up! Come back here for some more!” Tora was on fire! He swung the dinosaur one last time into the zombie and shut the door.

みんな、用意、用意！　（みんな、ようい！ようい！）

“Everyone, get ready, get ready!” The children prepared for the final battle as the zombie pounded at the door, but a new conflict was brewing within their own ranks…

Breaking Point

友、何にもしてへんやん、自分　（とも、なんにも　してへんやん、じぶん）

“Tomo, you aren’t doing anything,” the reporter complained as Tomo hid behind a stuffed animal on the bed.

And Rinko, holding the saran wrap ready, was starting to panic,

来て、みんな、お願い！こっち来て！　（きて、みんな、おねがい！こっちきて！）

urging everyone to come closer to the door.

Tora shot back:

噛まれたらどうすんの！？　（かまれたら　どうすんの？！）

“[Come closer to the door — great idea!] And what if he bites us[, genius]?!”

グチャグチャにソレ、すんなよ！

“Don’t mess this up!” he barked.

だって、怖いもん！　（だって、こわい　もん！）

“But I’m scared!” she pleaded.

The reporter started telling them they’d need to work together to make it through this, but Tora couldn’t take it anymore…

全然、手伝ってないくせに！何言ってんや！そんなん言わんといて！

（ぜんぜん、てつだってない　くせに！　なに　いってん　や！　そんなん　いわんといて！）

“How can you say that! YOU haven’t been helping us at all! Don’t SAY that!”

俺たち、頑張ってんね！（おれたち、がんばってんね！）

“We’re doing our best!”

He was on the verge of a meltdown, but this boy was not about to back down to a filthy blood licker…Oh HELL no!

The Final Battle

俺が戦ってやる！早く、出て来い！早く！（おれがたたかってやる！はやく、でてこい！はやく！）

“I’m taking you down! Come out here already! NOW!” Tora shouted through his tears.

The zombie staggered in through the door, closer and closer…

食べてやる！　（たべてやる！）

“I’m gonna eat you!” he rasped, and Tora, perched on top a pile of futons, unleashed a hail of blows onto the zombie’s head.  It was time for the…

サランラップ！

“SARAN WRAP!”

Rinko quickly handed it to Tora. Facing down the beast’s deathly jaws, he held up the secret weapon and…

よっしゃあ！

Hyah! Plastered it over the zombies face!

虎、ありがとうな

“Thanks, Tora,” Rinko said as she patted on some more.

The zombie flailed as they wound more and more saran wrap around his head, followed by with a storm of punches and kicks from behind.

The zombie collapsed to the floor and groaned under the relentless assault.

ゾンビさん、大丈夫（だいじょうぶ）ですか！？

“Are you okay, Mr. Zombie?” asked the reporter.

もうこんな家、来ない！　（もう　こんな　いえ、こない！）

“I’ve had it with this place!” whimpered the Zombie as he headed for the door.

来い、もっとオラ！　（こい、もっと　おら！）

“Come here! I’m not done with you yet!” cried Tora, showering the poor zombie with blows （滅多打ち・めったうち）.

But the zombie couldn’t take any more from these crazy kids.

もう二度と来ないよ！　（もう　にど　と　こない　よ！）

“I’m never coming back again!” he wailed as he limped out of the house.

VICTORY!

倒したぞ！　（たおした　ぞ！）

“We defeated him!” cried Tora triumphantly, breaking into tears of relief and exhaustion.

みんなが頑張ったから勝ったけど…　（みんな　が　がんばった　から　かった　けど）

“We won ‘cause everybody did their best,” he sobbed into the microphone…

みんな協力して頑張ろうってや　ゆったのに、あのな、協力してなかったな！

（みんな　きょうりょくして　がんばろう　ってや　ゆった　のに、あのな、きょうりょく　してなかった　な！）

“But even though I told everyone to work together, they…they didn’t cooperate!”

でもよかったな　倒れたもんな　（たおれたもんな）

“But it turned out all right! You defeated him!” the reporter pointed out, trying to cheer up Tora, who was now crying into his sleeve.

だれが頑張ったから？　（だれ　が　がんばった　から？）
“And it was all thanks to who?” asked the reporter to the boy who had almost single-handedly saved the day.

みんなが頑張ったから

“Thanks to everyone,” answered Tora, generously.

Conclusion

I’ll leave it to you to decide whether that night will go down as one of the best or worst memories of their childhood, but one thing is for certain—those three little horror fans will never ever forget it.

While nothing can really prepare you for a zombie attack, we hope this footage has shown you how a little bit of tabasco sauce, saran wrap and courage go a long way. And teamwork…if the rest of your family doesn’t chicken out on you.

More links:

Version with English and Chinese subs: youtu.be/oEUWG1tmg_I

Niconico version (registration required): www.nicovideo.jp/watch/sm5140891

In Part 1, Maddie explained the problem: she keeps getting distracted (especially by English TV shows), discouraged, and giving up. In Part 2, Dr. Khatz encouraged her to view language as a habit instead of a skill or intellectual pursuit and give herself credit for learning things in context. In this last installment, Dr Khatz reveals “the secret” of how he managed to learn Japanese on his own while still functioning as a busy college student in the U.S.

(continued from Part 2)

Maddie: Ok, so at the end of the day, I do want to do this, but I still live in America. I still have to go to work and do my bills and talk to my family, and this all has to be done in English, so it’s not like I can go and live in an all-Japanese place. I still want to learn more about code and read stuff and actually understand it, etc. etc., but I would like to learn Japanese.

I can easily, or at least relatively easily, switch my background “I live alone, and I don’t like a quiet apartment” stuff to Japanese, and I can even dedicate half an hour or so to learning to read everyday. But is this enough? I know that I won’t learn as fast as some, but I want to learn. I can’t sacrifice my life to this, but it is important to me.

Khatz: Good question. Obviously, the more you give it, the more and faster you get. As you recall, Maddie, yes, I gave everything to Japanese, but I was still a functioning college student. I mean, we talked, we hung out.

Here is what I did… Here is “the secret”, if you will…

The Secret (The Secret, The Secret…)

K: I removed any and all English that was not necessary — not necessary to my livelihood, safety or a basic minimum maintenance level for key relationships. For example: when I would talk to Momoko’s dad, I often didn’t take off both earphones (just one side).

To some that’s going a bit far, but I wanted Japanese, and I wasn’t going to make excuses. I was going to give myself, as far as possible, everything that a native speaker gets — a so-called native speaker, that is (this term is very flawed).

So, yes. My college classes were in English…but my home/bedroom needn’t be. My college assignments were in English…but why does my iPod have to have English on it? The university webpage was in English…but does my Gmail have to be?

And people say: “But what if I don’t understand?”
I’m like, “I’m a [simulated] native… If I don’t understand, then I LEARN TO UNDERSTAND, and I don’t get to do this stuff until I do.”

Sounds strict, but, like I said, I had a very playful, experimental attitude. It only comes out [sounding] strict to make me seem “good” and “disciplined”, but you know me, Maddie…

You know me… YOU’ve been to my house here… We went to school together… We took classes together… We TA-ed together in the Computer Science Building… You saw my desk area… You know I’m just a…scruffy little kid who thinks the world is his bedroom…

M: Hehe.

K: Oh yeah, I changed my OS to Japanese Windows XP well before I was “ready” because I felt (and the action proved it):
We don’t learn the language in order to be exposed to it.
We learn the language BECAUSE we are exposed to it.

M: Ok.

Touch the language

K: Now, if all that seems hard to do, one simple hack is this: increase the FREQUENCY with which you are exposed to Japanese. Focus on just touching Japanese — coming into contact with it — even if it’s, like, have a batch file that plays a Japanese song or opens a Japanese YouTube video once an hour, every hour. Something, anything — touch the language.

Seems silly, sure, but think of all the years of starting and stopping and classes and giving up and teachers leaving and books bought but unopened and hating yourself and blaming yourself and doing hulu [watching anime but only with English subtitles] instead. How intelligent was that? How efficient was that? At least you’re having fun, with YouTube…those Japanese commercials and game shows are hilarious.

M: Ok, it’s good to know that just trying a little is still trying and worth it.

K: Everything is worth it, everything counts. None of this “it was in context” nonsense.

M: And I can at the very least choose 5 shows that I like on hulu, watch those, and then the rest of the time, just watch, or listen to anime. That in itself could be huge — you don’t want to know the number of hours I’ve listened to shows I don’t even like…

K: Exactly. AND you could, if you want, watch those shows IN JAPANESE. What now, woman? I mean, it’s not essential, and you get to watch them anyway, right? So why not.

Get a solid grounding in PLAY!

K: Some people say, “What about the serious stuff?”
…What, like the Japanese tax code? Gimme a break!
(1) Play IS serious stuff.
(2) Play is serious stuff.
(3) Native kids always play, play, play, play first.
(4) Serious stuff will handle itself once you have a solid foundation in PLAY!

The playing around part is fundamental.

Think of how you can game and even use a computer. It’s all because you played around with these things. Same thing with speaking English — it’s ALL play.

Think of the people you know who can’t game or speak English or use a computer. It’s because they never tried to PLAY at it, always trying to be serious…

M: Ok, I feel more heartened.

K: Stepping off soapbox…

Kay, I’m back to normal now, I think. So yeah…no pressure…no techniques, Madz. Japanese isn’t something you “go do”. It’s just part of who you are.

Get a solid grounding in play. Play first. Fun first.

Whatever I can do for you or get for you here, let me know.

M: Thanks muchly!

*The End!*

Note from Dear Leader Khatzumoto: The following post is by Momoko, and not me. Momoko likes to use language that we don’t approve of here at AJATT. It’s like she’s doing that teenage rebellion thing, but like 15 years too late…way to be on time, champ. Um…I actually tried bowdlerizing her text, but then…yeah, anyway…

This is the fourth (extremely late) installment in a new (ideally) weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”.

お待たせ（またせ）！So sorry to keep you waiting for this week’s お巫山戯. The Khatz and I attended two big wedding parties last week, and, being the grungy T-shirts-lounge-pants-and-sneaker-wearing geeks that we are, it took a LOT of effort and focus and positive pep talks (and bribes from our friends) to get us off our lazy a**es and into formal attire. Anything formal…is like Kryptonite to us…but we did it…and it was actually incredibly fun, and we’re extremely lucky to have such awesome, patient friends. But, like I said, it took a bit of time and energy so that is why this is so late this week.

I’ve decided to take a short break from my recent obsession with potty training (I’m guessing you’d probably like to give your gag reflex a rest) and turn to something much more…pretty…and sparkling and cozy like pink hearts and glitter and fluffy bunnies!! So this week we’re going to take out our frilly Lolita umbrellas and frolic around in the magical Hello-Kitty-esque land of…

✭⋱⋆ღஐカワイイ!!!ஐღ⋆⋰ ✭

Just what exactly is 可愛い（かわいい）? Let me introduce you to some experts on the subject…

Kittens!

This little kitten （子貓／こねこ） is 可愛い…

So is this extremely sleepy （眠い／ねむい） one:

And this kitten is SUPER kawaii (超可愛い／ちょうかわいい):

Awww, ain’t that precious. 可愛くない（かわいくない）！？ There’s only one thing more 可愛い than kittens…

School Girls!

Q: What do you get when you cross 可愛い with 女子高生（じょしこうせい） — those world-renowned Japanese high school girls in ultra-short-skirted (they really are, even in the winter…I’m totally in awe…no idea how they do it) uniforms?
A: 萌え（もえ）！！

And right now nothing is as 可愛い or 女子高生 or 萌え as the manga/anime series らき☆すた (“Lucky ☆ Star” — Yes, that is an actual star symbol in the middle. Get used to it! We’re not in Kansas anymore…)

Now, I’m warning you. The intro song, もってけ！セーラーふく (Work that sailor uniform!), is like 可愛い ON STEROIDS. Brace yourself, okay? Here’s the full/extended version, complete with Japanese lyrics (thank you tanigutanigu!):

(You can find copy-and-pasteable lyrics for the whole song here.)

I know, I know, I was a bit shell-shocked when I heard that song for the first time, too.

If you want a closer look at what hit you back there, here are the opening lyrics in all their stupefying glory. For the (rough) translation, I relied on the extremely helpful line-by-line explanation provided by a knowledgeable fan here (助かりました、パトリシア＝マーティンさん！）, the English subtitles from the video clip we’ll get to in just a minute (thanks gleipnir2!), and Khatz’s suggestions (ありがとう、ダーリン！　(^з^)-☆):

曖昧（あいまい）３（さん）センチ	Give or take 3 cm
そりゃぷにってコトかい？	You saying I’m chubby?
ちょっ！	Hey!
らっぴんぐが制服（せいふく）・・・	Wrapped in a uniform…
だぁぁ不利（ふり）ってこたない	It’s not so bad
ぷ。	Pooh!
がんばっちゃやっちゃっちゃ	Just work it And do it
そんときゃーっち＆Release	Then “catch and release”
ぎョッ	Gotcha!
汗（あせ）　(Fuu)　々（あせ）　(Fuu)	Sweaty (Whoo!)
の谷間（たにま）に	Cleavage
Darlin’ darlin’ F R E E Z E!!	(Makes life “hard” for the guys!)

It’s like peering into the jaws of madness, no?

Guess what? Most Japanese people feel completely lost, too. Here is just a sampling of the online comments I came across when I was sweating blood trying to understand and translate the lyrics:

深く（ふかく）考えちゃ（かんがえちゃ）いけない歌詞（かし）だ
These are lyrics you just can’t think too hard about.

深く考えないで　まいっか（＝まあいいか）
Don’t think too hard about it. F*** it.

ぅん!!考えちゃだめだこの歌（うた）は!!聞く（きく）に限る（かぎる）！！
Yeah!! You better not think about this song!! Just listen to it!!

And of course, the predictable

萌えーーーーー

from a smitten geek.

I even stumbled upon this hilarious mock-conspiracy-theory “exposé” that reveals how the mysterious lyrics encode information about the coming annihilation of humanity （人類滅亡／じん・るい・めつ・ぼう） in World War III （第三次世界大戦／だい・さん・じ・せ・かい・たい・せん）! (It’s even illustrated like a manga with awesome ASCII art. If you need one reason to learn Japanese, this is it…)

Why is it so hard for even Japanese people to understand the lyrics? Because under the breezy surface of this cute little song lies a Pandora’s box chock-full of school girl slang, clever word play and sexual innuendo. Linguistically speaking, this is some dope shi**.

So let us take the advice of our Japanese betters. Just roll with it. (Or invent your own conspiracy theory.) Do NOT try to make it make sense. Just listen. Sing along. To preserve your sanity.

Now let’s skip past that really fast part to the chorus…

Wow. It doesn’t get much more 可愛い than “キャ？　ワ！　イイv” (“v” = the “v”-shaped peace/victory sign you make with your fingers…I think).

And, finally, here for your viewing entertainment and CULTURAL EDIFICATION is the first episode. In the main scene (starting at about 2 minutes into the clip), three of the four main characters — こなた （「こなちゃん」, the tomboyish one with blue hair), つかさ (the purple-haired one with a bow in her hair; her twin sister, かがみ, has pig tails), and みゆき (the overly polite, pink-haired one with glasses) — fret over the best ways to eat various pastries: a chocolate-filled cornet （チョココロネ／チョココルネ）; a cream puff （シュークリーム）; a piece of strawberry shortcake （イチゴショート）; a popsicle （アイス）; and a (soft-serve) ice cream cone （ソフトクリーム）. Enjoy:

(Is it just me, or is there something…a bit “Freudian”…about this scene? But, hey, it could just be me… I mean, what IS the best way to suck out the creamy contents of various phallic-shaped desserts? These are important philosophical questions!!)

The central question here, as posed by こなた, is which side you should eat the chocolate cornet from:

こなた：　ね、つかさ、チョココロネってどこから食べる（たべる）？

つかさ postulates that you start from the “head”:

つかさ：　頭（あたま）からかな。

こなた：　そうっか。

Okay… So the next logical question would be, which end is the head: the fat one or the thin one?

こなた：　ところでさ、頭ってどっち、太い（ふとい）方（ほう）と細い（ほそい）方（ほう）？

つかさ opts for the thin end:

つかさ：　私（わたし）はこっちの細い方が頭だと思う（おもう）んだけど。

This suprises こなた, who has always thought the fat end was the “head”:

こなた：　あっそうか。あたしは太った（ふとった）方（ほう）が頭だと思った（おもった）よ。

When こなた asks つかさ why she takes the former position,

こなた： でも何（なん）で細い方が頭？

つかさ argues that the chocolate cornet looks like a seashell:

つかさ：　だって貝（かい）みたいじゃない？

And when つかさ turns the question back on こなた,

つかさ： こなちゃんは何で太った方？

こなた offers the counter-argument that the cornet looks like a caterpillar (literally, “potato bug”),

こなた：　だってさ、芋蟲（いもむし）みたいじゃん。

grossing out つかさ:

つかさ：　えっ！芋蟲！？

Upon which こなた agrees that the seashell model is much more appetizing:

こなた：　まあ、でもそう考える（かんがえる）と貝の方（ほう）がイメージいいね。

This model turns out to be more elegant in theory than in practice, however. When Konata bites the thin end, the chocolate filling squeezes out of the fat end, and she has to keep turning it around to lick the extra chocolate before it falls out.

At which point, the perfectionist Miyuki has to intervene…

みゆき：　あ、あの・・・
こなた：　ん？

She offers a third, compelling (if perhaps complicated) solution to the problem:

みゆき：　細い方が千切って（ちぎって）、余った（あまった）チョコを付けて(つけて）食べるという食べ方（たべかた）も・・・

You can also break off the thin end and dip it in the extra chocolate (from the fat end)…

つかさ：　なるほどね！

Eureka! Seems to make sense.

But after a detour into how to eat curry rice （カレーライス）, what condiments to use on what dishes, and different ways of eating egg and meat dishes, Konata realizes

こなた：　あっ。ところで、太い方と細い方、どっちがチョココロネの頭？

she still isn’t sure which end of the cornet is the “head”…

So, comrades, let me turn this dilemma over to you: what do YOU think the best way to eat a chocolate cornet is? And which end is the “head”?

Next up, the only thing more 可愛い than school girls is:

School Boys!

(to be continued next week…)

In Part 1, Maddie explained how she keeps getting distracted (especially by English TV shows), discouraged, and giving up. Dr. Khatz challenged her assumptions and proposed that learning Japanese just might be a whole lot easier and simpler than she had been led to believe. Their conversation, edited from an IM chat, continues below.

(continued from Part 1)

Khatz: Okay…next order of business. So you want results, but when you can’t get them quickly (in the past, with Japanese, at least) you decided to…throw Japanese out altogether? i.e. to do nothing whatsoever that might bring you closer to the result?

Worded like that…does that make any sense to you? Is it fast or nothing?

Maddie: No, but sometimes, I feel like it’s this giant endeavor.

K: Ok… Is going at 0 speed better than going at 1~3 speed even though you wish you were going at 10 speed? Is 0 better than 1~3?

Cutting people off is underrated

M: I’ve also been struggling a lot these days with what I should be spending my time on. I spend hundreds of hours on my cosplay and similar projects, and most people think it’s retarded.

K: Do you like these people? Are they the ones paying for your cosplay? Are they going to pay you money to do things they DO think are worthwhile? Do they live with you?

M: No, they don’t. But I’ve felt very misunderstood recently…

K: I know exactly what you mean

M: One of the things I get super-frustrated about is that no one would tell me I was “wasting my time” if I was making costumes for the local theater troupe, or if I was making quilts, or any number of things like that… What makes my interests any less valuable than yours?

K: Exactly. Those people are full of crap and unless they pay you money or are VERY good kissers, you don’t have to listen to them.

If they don’t like it, they’d better get used it. I’ve had some of those acquaintances… deleted them faster than spam. “Stop cosplay. Be BIG FOR HER”…ok…bye.

It is not ac-freaking-cceptable Mads. You’re, what, 25? 26 now?

M: 27.

K: 27, ok. (Me too!) You’re 27 years old and people are pulling that high school crap on you?

Personally, I find it inspiring… You’re living the dream in so many ways…you get paid money to make VIDEO GAMES.

Dude, Maddie, I won’t lie. I would hate you for NOT doing those things. Your anime passion infected me…

M: Hehe.

K: So…what it comes down to is your casual acquaintances…suck…and you need better ones who understand what you’re about.

There comes a point where they either shut up and accept you, or they have to go. I don’t know if you’ve reached that point with those peepz, but just know…that is an option maybe, you know, waiting in the wings…

Dude, cutting people off…it helps THEM, too. Now they don’t have to be annoyed by you. You’re doing them a favor…

M: lolz

K: Cutting people off…very underrated.

Don’t intellectualize language-learning

K: Third thing… You’re intellectualizing language-learning. You’ve learned it as a “school subject”… You’ve taken “classes”…

So…most or all of the English you know now, you know from English class, right? And before you went to English class you knew no English, right?

M: Yeah… I see your point.

K: And you keep your English up with textbooks and English class… You review the material, right? So you don’t forget.

Because, how are you going to know English otherwise, Maddie? And you need it for work and stuff…need that English…

A language is not something we compartmentalize. It is practically life itself. It’s like the air, literally like the air. I venture, Maddie, that you have spent as much time away from English as you have away from air.

M: Well, I have traveled, but I never stopped thinking in English.

K: Even when you’ve watched Japanese, there’s been English text down there. And when you came to Japan, you were, yeah, thinking in English…talking in English to Chad and the crew. Your guidebooks were in English. The hotel people spoke English.

I mean THINKING in English, Mads, were you born that way?

M: Probably not.

K: You have made this English thing such a habit, it literally stays in your head even when you get in a plane, go up into the stratosphere, cross an ocean, get away from America…and still…in your head…there can be English.

But that’s besides the point… A language is more like a sport, Mads. One of my neighbors here, Eisuke, he says it’s like a conditioned reflex. When you really know a language, you don’t intellectualize it. You intellectualize THROUGH it, but when you speak, you speak that way because that is the way.

When you turn on Hulu, you’re not like “it’s time for me English practice”. You’re just watching TV with so-called “first” and “native” languages. You don’t even TALK about the language. It’s like it’s not there because it’s everywhere.

Yet every phone call you make, every TV show you watch, thought you think, every person who makes fun of your cosplay, every person who is nice about your cosplay,every  sign you see, every song you listen to — all these things are language/English practice: every single one of them.

Everything is in context

K: Now, you said you could read polyester “but only in context” — oh, so you’re supposed to know it OUT OF CONTEXT? When the heck are you going to read about polyester out of context? I’ll tell you when — on a school test.

Quick, Madison, tell me every English word you know. List them right now, every last one.

M: lolz

K: Tell me every single English word you understand…and if you can’t tell me, you must not know/understand them. In real life, EVERYTHING is in context. Everything is in a sub-menu. And that’s how the heck it should be.

Context-flattening is not real. It’s easy to make/grade, but it’s not real.

M: So true.

K: So you’re good at Japanese. You know some Japanese, but you won’t even give yourself the credit because it was IN CONTEXT? Is that fair?

M: Ok, I guess not.

K: Would you tell your (hypothetical) miraculous virgin baby that she was a loser because “you only know how to say that word because you saw it context”? Would you say this to a child? a small child? your child? a lot? And if you did, do you think they would grow up happy and wanting to learn?

So why is it okay to be abusive to you? Because it’s you? Is it okay to slit your wrists and do drugs then? I mean, it’s YOU…it’s your body… And let’s say you made the drugs by yourself at home using legal stuff from Wal-mart. You’re not financing the drug trade so it’s okay, right? I mean, it’s paint thinner…and alcohol…alcohol is legal…so it’s okay, right?

But literally every time you don’t let yourself feel good for small successes like that, you create drugs in your brain and give them to yourself. You might as well slap the baby each time she makes a mistake: “STOP BABBLING!!!” “That was in context, you prissy little know-it-all!”

It’s just mean. And we get away with this because most of it happens in our head and nobody else is watching the little child inside suffering.

I learned Japanese by accident

K: You’re a lot like me, I think, Mads. You are so driven. You want this Japanese so badly that everything smells like failure — too slow… “in context”… (*eye roll* :)) I know because this is how I have often felt about Chinese. You beat and beat and beat yourself, and we pretend it’s “discipline”… But it creates so much pain that you just go watch Hulu (i.e. practice English) instead.

I learnt Japanese by accident, Maddie, while trying (i.e. being mean to myself and creating a struggle) to learn Chinese. I was just fooling around with Japanese. It was just a game. There was no point — it was just an experiment. As the hippies like to say, the journey was the point.

M: I thought you wanted to so you could work for Large Japanese Corporation?

K: No… I wanted to work at Large Japanese Corporation so I could get paid to keep playing with Japanese. I knew if I went to, say, an American company, I’d have to do English all the time. (I also loved Large Japanese Corporation products, having grown up with them.) But Large Japanese Corporation was literally a ploy to get paid to keep messing around with/in Japanese.

And it worked. They did all my paperwork. Flew me over, twice. Paid to ship my stuff from the US — boxes and boxes and boxes. Did my insurance paperwork. Helped secure my Japanese name. Let me talk, read, write and listen to Japanese ALL DAY LONG.

M: Hehe.

K: And then put money in my bank account every month for my troubles. So yeah, it was the other way around…

A language is NOT a skill, Madz. It is not. You don’t “know” it. You don’t “know” English. You LIVE English. A language is a habit.

So you don’t get good at it. Don’t ask yourself if you’re getting “good” at it. You get USED to it, and you get so used to it that you could literally…fly to the moon, Maddie. You could leave the planet Earth to-day — TO DAY — and there would STILL be English rolling around in your head, you’re so used it.

You don’t speak it right because of those stupid exercises you can’t even remember any more you did in some English class at some high school. You speak it right because you don’t freaking know any other way to speak it. You actually have to THINK about how to suck at English. You would actually have to TRY to suck at English. You would have to make an intellectual effort and heat up your processor…

You dream in English. I mean, can’t you even be unconscious and be rid of this thing? What the heck? (Funny thing is, though, if you were to truly stop all English for long enough, you would forget it, but it would take decades… | Mr Uwano comes back from the dead to say ‘Good Day’ – Times Online)

You are already a success story

K: So you are still practicing. And you have one marvelously successful language experience: English, the language everyone and their dog wants to learn. You speak perfect General American English. You are a success story — you have a success history — and you are repeating this success even now. Look at us practicing English right here.

M: Ok, so at the end of the day, I do want to do this, but I still live in America. I still have to go to work and do my bills and talk to my family, and this all has to be done in English, so it’s not like I can go and live in an all-Japanese place. I still want to learn more about code and read stuff and actually understand it, etc. etc., but I would like to learn Japanese.

I can easily, or at least relatively easily, switch my background “I live alone, and I don’t like a quiet apartment” stuff to Japanese, and I can even dedicate half an hour or so to learning to read everyday. But is this enough? I know that I won’t learn as fast as some, but I want to learn. I can’t sacrifice my life to this, but it is important to me.

K: Good question. Obviously, the more you give it, the more and faster you get. As you recall, Maddie, yes, I gave everything to Japanese, but I was still a functioning college student. I mean, we talked, we hung out.

Here is what I did… Here is “the secret”, if you will…

(to be continued…)

What is “the secret” (the secret, the secret…) of which Dr. Khatz speaks? Find out next week in the third and final installment!

Note from Dear Leader Khatzumoto: The following post is by Momoko, and not me. Momoko likes to use language that we don’t approve of here at AJATT. It’s like she’s doing that teenage rebellion thing, but like 15 years too late…way to be on time, champ. Um…I actually tried bowdlerizing her text, but…anyway, yeah…

This is the third installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

Last week, you began your journey into the secrets of Japanese potty training and became a パンツマン: answering the call of the むずむず, practicing おしっこ (while humming the しーぱぱ song) and うんち (while grunting along with the うーんぱぱ song), flushing おしっこ君 and うんち君 bye-bye, and strutting around in those hot J-pants.

Yes, your sit-down style is very good. But patience, grasshopper. You still have much to learn. It is time for you to leave the dojo (道場・どうじょう） and venture out into the wide world of toilet variation!

Your favorite potty-training tiger しまじろう is back with two new magical friends. おしっこバケツ, Pee Bucket, will show you how to use the principle of timing to avoid an embarrassing EMERGENCY. And 和式トイレ, Squatty Potty, will train you in the techniques of the squat style practiced all over Asia and popular in public restrooms in Japan.

Listen to these skilled masters, and 「どんなトイレも　へっちゃらちゃ！」 — any toilet will be a piece of cake!:

Wasn’t that *special*?

Now stretch your quads and grab those training pants. It’s time for another potty training adventure!

おしっこバケツ！: Pee Bucket!

わーい！

Yay!

Boy, are you excited! You skip through the doors of the huge ヨドバシカメラ electronics mega-store in 秋葉原（あきはばら）. You start making a bee-line for the i-Pad display when

(Your name)？ トイレは？

Your momma tries to talk some sense into you: Boy/Girl, check yo self! You need to go?

うーん･･･

Mmmm… You look down at your “tummy”, listening for the むずむず’s, but instead — boom! Out pops a…bucket?

僕(ぼく） (your name) のおしっこバケツ！

“I’m your pee bucket!” he gleefully announces.

Just how many freaks you got living in there, mate? Your “pee bucket”, huh… The only thing that would make this any weirder would be if he started…dancing…and singing…oh lard here it comes:

Despite this catchy motivational song, complete with a go-go pee drops chorus, you blow off his advice, you little punk:

やっぱりまだいいや。

Meh, I’m ok for now.

But the pee-pee bucket is already hopping side to side, doing the potty-dance:

(Your name)！ おしっこどんどん溜まって（たまって）きたよ！

Yo! This pee is filling up like mad, son!

トイレ行く（いく）よ！

Get your a** to a toilet!

**********

Ten minutes later, you’re getting a butt massage in one of the deluxe massage chairs, giggling like a fool, when all of a sudden…

おっ！

*Gasp!* You grab your pee-bucket region —

あー・・・

Uh-oh…

おしっこバケツ is frantic now — he can hardly hold it in:

(Your name)！ おしっこ漏れちゃう（もれちゃう）よ！

Dude! I’m gonna EXPLODE (lit. The pee’s gonna leak out)!!

You’re running like crazy–

お母（かあ）さん！ トイレ！

Mommy! I gotts ta GO!!

お母さん’s shaking her head…

やっぱり！ さっき行って（いって）おけばよかったでしょう？

I knew it! Ya shoulda gone before, doncha know!

There you are doing a tap dance, struggling with your zipper in front of the first ceramic basin you lay eyes on…

You’re freaking out:

あー　漏れちゃう！

(*&$%@! I’m gonna pee my pants!!)

Your pee bucket’s freaking out:

早く（はやく）、早く！！

(Move it muddaf***ah!!!)

It’s the freaking end of the world…

Or is it?

…

あ～　間に合った！

Whew! Just in time! You lucky son-of-a-tiger!

Your empty pee bucket breathes a sigh of relief:

フー！

And shows you the back of his hand…well he should…but being a gentleman of honor, he raises his pointing finger (ここがポイント！– Here comes an important point!) instead and cheerfully reminds you:

（Your name)、もうぎりぎりは嫌（いや）だよ！

Don’t EVER just-in-time me again! You hold it in one more time and I will internally wound you!

おしっこがいっぱいになる前（まえ）に、トイレに行ってね！

So go potty before your bladder gets full, mkay?

But before his sage advice can sink in…

お！

Uh-oh… There’s that むずむず tickle in your butt again! And you know what that means…

あー　うんちかな？

Umm… I think I need to poo!

You look around the public restroom and…wait, what is THAT…that long ceramic hole in the ground?!!

和式トイレ！: Squatty Potty!

You start to panic…

どうしよう！ うちのトイレと違う（ちがう）。

Oh crap! It’s different from my potty at home!

And crap is exactly what you’ve got to do… But how?! Your usual パンツマン confidence is shriveling up…

But then…oh my magic sparkles?!…the squatty potty comes to life all fired-up with positive can-do gumption:

大丈夫！

Don’t worry you’re pretty little head!

僕と一緒（いっしょ）にやってみよう！

We can do it together!!

You blink your eyes, a little stunned —

おっ

Now hold on to your J-pants…I can feel another song coming on…

Then the toilet-paper dispenser whisks you off-screen as your underwear and shorts fly off of you…in a totally…non-creepy way…

And then Squatty Potty gives you your first instruction…

それじゃ、僕を跨いで（またいで）！

Ok, straddle me!

…Whoa! Ok, that’s it! You give potty mouth and his pervy sidekick a hard kick where it counts and… Wait! No!! It’s not what you’re thinking! He’s a squatty potty — what’s he supposed to say?! Drop those pants? Spread ’em? Now for a shower of golden proportions??…

Hehe… *Happy thoughts, happy thoughts*

うん。

Ok. *Gulp*

You turn around so your butt is pointing at the squatty potty’s head, and he’s like, whoa there buddy…

ううん、そっちじゃなくて

No, no, not like that…

And you’re all

え？

Huh?

(…and now Momoko realizes she’s been doing it wrong all these years…&$%#@!…)

Now let Squatty break it down for you with another song:

Lower… lower… lower… (Watch you’re balance! you do NOT want to fall down right now…)

*Drum roll*

ストップ！

Stop!

準備（じゅんび）オッケー？

All ready?

Yep! All set! Now it’s your time to shine!

うーん うーん

A couple of grunts, and… *Bombs Away!* …a juicy little poo pops out!

出た（でた）！

Yeah, it’s out! OMG! You did it!!

ぱぱぱらっぱっぱっぱー ♪

*Trumpets!*

わーい！

Woo HOO! Yeah! Look who’s squatting now!

*Clap* *Clap* *Clap* Impressive. Now, young パンツマン, you are trained in the styles of both East and West. You have entered the narrow gate to deep cultural understanding. Soon you will be unstoppable!

もうどんなトイレもへっちゃらちゃ！

Now any toilet will be へっちゃらちゃ!

Oh yeah, one more thing…

Now, ladies, if you have a hard time grunting like しまじろう in public…or farting…or even making the tiniest pee tinkle, you are in LUCK because the public restrooms for women in Japan are equipped with one of the most exciting, revolutionary technologies to grace this age — the…

（おとひめ） or “Sound Princess”! It’s a handy little device on the wall next to the toilet, and when you wave your hand like a beauty queen in front of the sensor, it continuously loops a flushing sound like a sparkling mountain stream so that the business that goes on in your stall, stays in your stall.

Check this baby out:

Classy, innit? This is, apparently, one of the carefully guarded secrets Japanese women have been keeping from Japanese men. So sorry guys… I guess you’ll have write a few petitions…make a few posters…go on a few strikes if you want to get some of this action. (Or go in drag… But that’s a お巫山戯 for another week…)

‘Til next time, happy squatting!

There’s one dream, however, that has remained elusively beyond the reach of this avid anime fan, gamer, and cosplay seamstress–the dream of learning Japanese. In this extensive conversation adapted from an IM chat, Khatz plays language therapist to the distressed would-be AJATTeer.

I always get sidetracked and fail

Maddie: Khatz…

Khatz: Yes, Maddiekins?

M: Can I really teach myself Japanese? I’ve attempted a couple times, but I always get sidetracked and fail…and then I gotta start over when I try again. It’s something I want to do, but I feel like if I really wanted it, I’d try harder…

K: Go on… I’m hearing you… Multiple failed attempts, leading to evidence for low confidence in this field… What were your previous attempts like? What did you do? How did it feel?

M: Well, I’ve never gotten super far… The first time, I took a “class” that my friend had at my old job. We learned the hiragana and katanana, and then she started teaching us basic phrases and things. But few were very into it, and she got busy and fed up, and so that stopped.

Then I decided about a year ago that I really, really was gonna do this. So I started learning the hiragana and katana again, and I bought that learning kanji book that you said to get, but never really cracked it. Before I’d even gotten a handle on the basic symbols [kana] again, I got sidetracked and stopped…not sure why…I think other things just got in the way.

I think it often feels daunting and overwhelming… I’ve never properly learned another language. When I took German in high school, I had 5 teachers in 3 years. I didn’t come away with much at all. We were all terrible my 3rd year, and my teacher was very frustrated with us…

K: OK…daunting…no previous success experience…getting sidetracked…teachers giving up on you…apparent long-term efforts with zero gain in German…

Tell me more about your mother I mean the daunting feelings with Japanese…

M: Well, I gotta learn a whole new writing system. At least I have things I actually want to read/listen to in Japanese, but I don’t want to just learn to speak, or just learn to listen, or something like that. I really need to learn to do it all — read, write, speak and understand.

K: Writing system…ok… At the same time, you do want to do it all…so the desire is all there…

M: Yeah, it is. I would have loved to go to the Trigun Premier and have even an inkling of what was going on…oh, and be able to watch anime without having my eyes glued to the screen so I can read the subtitles (yes, I know there are dubs, but a) they aren’t on Hulu, and b) the Japanese voice actors are better and you know it).

K: lol… Japanese voice actors are the stuff.

I’m an easy-out kinda person

K: How did you feel when you were practicing? or in class? Were you happy? Was it fun?

M: I think it was fun. But I’m unfortunately an easy-out kinda person. That’s why I watch TV and play video games so much — it’s easy to just turn it on, or plug it in and go with it; it’s just right there.

K: Hehe. Me too

M: I love doing my cosplay, but even that is sometimes hard to get motivated on. In general, I have a hard time getting motivated on things where I want a result, but it will be weeks or months before I actually see any real results.

K: Definitely.

M: I mean, I’ll work on it for a while, even be really good for a few weeks, but then work will get crazy, or I’ll go out of town, and it throws me off, and then I forget, and it’s not part of my routine, and then 3 weeks later, I’ll be like “oh yeah, I was gonna do that”, but by that time, it feels like I’m starting from scratch, so I’ll be like “oh, well, I’ll start that when I’ve got time”…

K: How often do you watch anime by the way, Mads? Every day…?

M: I really only watch it when my friends get together. I’d watch it more if I could watch and do something else, but even though there’s hundreds of hours for free on Hulu, I haven’t gotten into anything ‘cause it’s such a huge commitment… And I can’t watch anime while playing a video game like I can with my stupid US shows.

K: How come?

M: They are subbed, not dubbed, and so I have to watch all the time to read and know what’s going on. I listen to TV more than I watch it, in general. There are about 4 or 5 shows that I will actually sit and watch, and the rest are mostly empty-apartment filler. I watch a lot of shows, but very few do I really care about.

Language-learning was harder than anything else in school

K: Anything else from your language-learning experience that sticks in your mind?

M: I know I had a much harder time with it than just about anything else in school. I’d forget words a lot — blunt memorization isn’t any fun, and in some ways it almost felt like cheating? I dunno how to exactly explain that, but yeah, for German, I certainly never drilled or memorized as much as I should have.

K: Almost felt like cheating? Why did it feel like cheating?

M: Well, cheating is not the right word for it… It was probably more along the lines of I rarely just had to memorize stuff before, so it didn’t feel right? It was many years ago, so I’m extrapolating a bit, but I do remember it being harder than anything else, and then after we lost our teacher half way through, and the next two were so terrible (one of them didn’t even speak German), then after that first year, we were all pretty crushed.

K: Yeah, you guys were abandoned. What good experiences have you had with language-learning?

M: None?

No, I’m trying to think… I’ve never talked to anyone in a foreign language. I’ve been able to read, like, the tags on some of the clothes I bought in Japan, but that was very context-specific.

K: Oh yeah? What did they say?

M: Polyester.

K: ポリエステル

M: Yeah, that. I can recognize enough of the characters to, in context, know that that says “polyester”.

By learning about Japanese, I was able to mispronounce my own language in a way that was easier for them to understand? I doubt that counts…

K: lol… In Khatz’s world, that TOTALLY counts btw

M: On my first round through Japanese “class” I was able to put together my first complete, original sentence. I think I can still remember it… maybe.

You’ve been abused

K: Have you read any of AJATT.com, and if so, what have you read of it? (Just so we can save you hearing things you already know :))

M: I’ve read some of it. It’s been a year, though. I know your view of “you can do anything, just not everything”, and your confidence that anyone can do this.

K: ‘k…I’m about to go into soapbox mode…but stop me if you have any questions or objections or…just get bored. Especially if you get bored…

M: Ok.

K: You’ve been abused.

1) You’ve been living in America. This is a very pushily monolingual country. Many people in America are afraid of foreign languages and assume that they are only good for spying, missionary work and insulting people. All non-English speakers have had trouble passing on heritage languages — Italians, Germans, Chinese, Japanese, even Hispanics.

2) And then there was the German class thing. You kids were screwed over quite royally there…irresponsible adults…

M: Well, if you know other languages, or several languages, it can be seen as a mark of intelligence, but that isn’t always good in America, either, like it’s a waste…

K: lol Exactly. Richard Hofstadter talks about a lot of the issues behind that in Anti-Intellectualism In American Life.

3) And then there’s all the negative brainwashing about language-learning in general and Asian languages in particular: “hard” … “different” … “need to be smart” … “age” this … “age” that.

But all that’s in the past now. We can de-allocate that from memory, which leaves us with you here and now…

Just leave Japanese on

K: Earlier you talked about wanting results in Japanese…feeling frustrated…feeling daunted. So you watch some Hulu…or listen to American TV or whatever… Basically, you go practice English. Why not just leave Japanese on while you game?

M: ‘Cause I don’t understand it?

K: Because you don’t understand it…ok…

Say you were to…somehow…have a kid today…by miraculous conception. Would you refuse to speak to the kid in English because she does not understand?

M: lolz, yeah, no.

K: Why do you refuse to allow the Japanese child called マッディー to listen to her native language — because she doesn’t understand? Why does American Maddie get special treatment? Is it because マッディー is Asian?

M: Can I really pick up that much just by listening? I’ve been able to hear phrases that I’ve learned in my “classes”, but I don’t feel like I’ve really picked up on much that I didn’t know before-hand, even though I’ve watched anime in Japanese, with the English subs. I know people have just watched enough in a foreign language to pick it up, but that hasn’t seemed to work for me all that much. Maybe I just haven’t given it a real chance, though.

K: Bingo. (Cute Girls, Mathematics, Language)

Let’s say you had this baby today, this miraculous baby, and you let her listen to English once a week with friends and took her to English class a couple hours a week…but then nothing happened. Would you give up and say “she just can’t pick up the language”? (rhetorical question)

And that whole watching-Japanese-with-English-subs thing… This is why I recommend people turn off the subs, really — or at least keep them off most of the time. Because I found something interesting… When I would watch anime with subs, back before I could understand it, I found that I would RECALL the anime all in English. Even though I watched it subbed…with Japanese voices…the voices would play in my mind completely in English. But maybe that was just me…

M: Yeah, I do the same.

K: Oh, you too?!

M: But I often “hear” text.

K: Okay…next order of business. So you want results…

(to be continued…)

Don’t miss the next installment, in which Dr. Khatz warns of the dangers of intellectualizing language-learning, extols the virtues of learning in context, and explains why it is important to cut off people that don’t accept your cosplay infatuation.

Note from Dear Leader Khatzumoto: The following post is by Momoko, and not me. Momoko likes to use language that we don’t approve of here at AJATT. It’s like she’s doing that teenage rebellion thing, but like 15 years too late…way to be on time, champ. Um…I actually tried bowdlerizing her text, but…anyway, yeah…

This is the second installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

Last week we went head-to-head with a round-up of Japanese babies and found that, despite all their cuteness, those ちび’s got nothing on us Japanese-wise.

Once those little two-and-a-half-year-old’s who can’t remember the names of colors or what they ate for lunch pass their third birthday, however, it’s a different story. Suddenly you’ve got an entitled motor-mouth bossing you around and trying to explain these long, convoluted stories as you desperately nod your incomprehensive face and hope she won’t be able to tell she lost you 10 minutes back after the first breathless あのね、･･･ .

Yes, those three-year-old’s have something…special.

I’ve thought about this phenomenon long and hard, and as I see it, the one thing these kids got that we don’t got is the super-secret coming-of-age rite each Japanese child is initiated into just before they turn three: 排泄訓練（はいせつくんれん）, or potty-training…in Japanese. I mean, where else would they get that gloating air of self-satisfaction, that preternatural confidence and poise?

Not potty-trained in Japanese yet? NO PROBLEM. Today, my friend, you are going to earn your very own pair of J-pants and become a パンパン・パンツマン! With the help of a singing family of tigers! Yeah!

I know, I know, you’re practically peeing your pants with excitement… Just hold that thought…just a little longer until you know what to do.

We’ll receive our basic training from the infamous classic　「トイレで できたら パンツマン」 (Use-the-Potty Pantsman/ If you can use the potty, you’re a pantsman!). Just click on the screen below and しまじろう （縞次郎 – “Stripey”) and his friends おしっこ君 (Mr. Pee) and うんち君 (Mr. Poo) will hook-you-up （there’s even a peek at some wicked しまじろう potty-training gear at the end):

(A version with helpful matching English subtitles can also be found here.)

This is a lot of information to take in at once, I know. So let’s take it step-by-step and do a little image training, yeah?

おしっこだ！: Going #1

Okay, so you’re sitting there, doing your kanji reps (プップー), gulping down your favorite sugary yogurt drink ピルクル, when all of a sudden you get this weird, prickly sensation down in your… “stomach” …

おっ！お腹（なか）がむずむずする！

you exclaim, wondering what on earth it could mean…

Then the cloying jiminy-cricket-like voice of Mama Tiger pops into your head and chimes in:

むずむずした時（とき）、なーん（何）だ？

What does it mean when your tummy goes むずむず? What indeed… You concentrate really hard, and

むずむず！むずむず！

a tear-drop-shaped gremlin starts jumping up and down all up inside of you, tickling you in strange places, making you think of…Niagara falls…*that’s right, the tear-drop-shaped gremlin means…*

おしっこだ！

Pee-pee!! Yesss!! I’ve got this one!

僕（ぼく）トイレ！

(or if you’re of the female persuasion)

私（わたし）トイレ！

I gotta go!

You scamper off to the toilet and, lo and behold, it greets you in Japanese:

やあ、(your name)！

and you’re like, ohmygosh I gotta pee,

僕／私 おしっこなの。

And then in a totally platonic, non-creepy way, the magical talking toilet tells you to come sit on its lap…

よーし、僕に座って（すわって）。

And you’re all

うん！

Yeah! Let’s do this!

Then in the back of your mind, it’s as if you can hear a million AJATTeer voices all around you, encouraging you on:

(Your name)、一緒（いっしょ）に頑張ろう（がんばろう）！

Let’s do this together!

You clench both fists with a look of grim determination like, I’m going to do this pee-pee or go down trying, and

うん！

you give a firm nod…it’s pee-pee song time.

Hmm…so catchy…しーぱっぱ… Before you know it,

やほー！

Cowabunga!!! おしっこ君 magically water-slides out of you and into the toilet, laughing hysterically like he’s having the time of his life !

And you’re all, OMG! The pee-pee came out!

おしっこ出た（でた）！

And the crowd goes wild:

わーい！やった！やった！

Woohoo! You did it!! Look at you all grown up and peeing in Japanese! Yeah!!

Now it’s time to say good-bye to Mr. Pee as you flush him down to a better place:

おしっこ君（くん）、バイバイ！

As you triumphantly wash your hands, your imaginary tiger mother heaps on the praise:

トイレでおしっこ出來た（できた）わね！

You did a pee-pee on the toilet, doncha know!

うん！

That’s right bee-atch! This little cub’s going places!

Now you’re half-way to those coveted panties. Just one more Rubicon to cross…

僕うんち！: Going #2

So you’re snacking away on ポッキー sticks and popcorn, watching your favorite Japanese drama. It’s just getting to the good part when all of a sudden…

あれ？　お尻（しり）がむずむずする！

What the? It’s that むずむず feeling again, but this time in your butt!!

Here comes that jiminy-cricket voice again, but this time in the paternal bass of Papa Tiger…

むずむずした時、なーんだ？

What could it be? Irritable bowel syndrome? Think, think, think…

むずむず！むずむず！

Woah, there’s another gremlin bouncing up and down inside your nether-regions! But this time it looks like a little brown blob…kind of like…oh ye-eah…

僕／私 うんち！

I gotta poo!!

トイレに行く（いく）！

To the toilet-mobile!

Your trusty toilet is waiting and ready for action:

よーし！うんちも頑張って（がんばって）みよう！

Righty-o! Let’s give this poo-thing a try!

うん！

All right! You’re all psyched up, you get into position, and it’s time for the poo-poo song:

One more squeeze and …

わーい！

Weeee! Out pops うんち君! What a happy little sh**!

うんち出た！

The うんち is out! You did it!

やったね、(your name)！

It’s party time! A magical ball bursts open, trumpets play, and all this confetti floats down! It’s like you’re a hero in a ticker-tape parade!

Now bend over and wipe that a**…

お尻を拭いて（ふいて）

…and say good-bye to the giggling little turd as he swirls down the hole!

うんち君、バイバイ！

Whew, doesn’t that feel good.

あ～　すっきりした！

Fresh as a daisy!

Wow, you can’t believe it… Won’t your tiger dad be proud!

お父さん（おとうさん）、僕／私 トイレでうんち出來たね！

Daddy, daddy, I did a brown poopee on the toilet, didn’t I!!!

うん！すごいぞ！

You sure did, little trouper! Way to go!

パンパン･パンツマンだ！: Look ｗho’s a pantsman now!

And now *ahem* it is time for the donning of the sacred pants:

今日（きょう）から（your name）も･･･パンパン・パンツマンだ！！！

From this day henceforth, you too shall be known as a…

*Dah duh-duh DAH!*

…pan-pan-PANTSMAN!!!

OMG!!! Look at those spanking new J-pants! Sparkling like a million suns! Go ahead, try ’em on… Yeah, you like that?

パンツで気持ち（きもち）いい！

You bet they feel good! That’s the feeling of POWER! You’re not a Japanese baby anymore, son — now you’re a full-fledged member of the J-Pants Big People Society.

Yeah, go on, give those knickers a good smack!

パンパン　パンツマン！

Now, we must protect…this…house!

*パンパン　パン　パンパン　パン*

Who will protect this ho-ouse?

I will, I will!

Will you protect this ho-ouse?

I will, I will!

We must protect this house!

I will I will!!

J-PANTS!!!

Aaaah! すっきりした！Can you feel it?! That new-found pride and sense of accomplishment?

If you’re still feeling a bit lost, don’t worry! We’ll be practicing a lot more in coming installments. You’ll learn how to handle any situation — Japanese-style toilets, running out of toilet paper, having to go pee and poo at the same time, constipation…

By the end of this month, you will have *mastered* this subtle Japanese art. You, too, can be a パンパン　パンツマン!

きみも一緒にパンツマンになろう！

More fun links:

If しまじろう’s tireless enthusiasm and squeaky voice haven’t driven you crazy yet, try playing some free online games at his official website (don’t worry—no more bouncing turds).

Here are some ones to get you started (these have both sound and Japanese subtitles all the way through):

きみは　なにが　すき？/ What do you like?: Compare what you and しまじろう like (omg!).

きょうは　なにして　あそぶ？/ What do you want to ‘play’ today? (two options: shopping or soccer): Help しまじろう find food in the grocery store or play a soccer game with him.

たんじょうびは　いつ？/ When’s your birthday?: Guess しまじろう’s birthday and tell him yours.

And last but not least, be sure not to miss:

しまじろうと　ぐー・ちょき・ぱー/ Play ‘Rock-Scissors-Paper’ with Shimajirou (sound but no subtitles): See if you can beat しまじろう at Rock-Paper-Scissors (watch out — that tiger’s pretty good).

Note from Dear Leader Khatzumoto: The following post is by Momoko, and not me. Momoko likes to use language that we don’t approve of here at AJATT. It’s like she’s doing that teenage rebellion thing, but like 15 years too late…way to be on time, champ. Um…I actually tried bowdlerizing her text, but…anyway, yeah…

This is the first installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

I have to admit, one of the most humiliating parts of learning a language is when you realize that even three-year-olds put you to shame—after months or even years of trying to learn the blasted thing. When I go to a Japanese friend’s house and listen to their little ちびちゃん babbling away, my internal monologue usually goes something like this: #@$&*! What’s the word for dinosaur again? hide-and-go-seek? elbow? pee-pee? Sh**! Sh**! Sh**!!! Why don’t I know this stuff?! That snot face is totally owning me!

But fear not, comrades. I’ve got just the thing for our wounded egos. Maybe you suck at Japanese, but there’s no WAY you suck as hard as these slobbering cretins precious bundles of joy. (Or you won’t in about 2 minutes after reading this.)

I give you: Japanese babies that suck. Even harder than you.

First off, let’s start with …

Counting!

The title of our first video translates “A baby who can count”. See what you think…

「數字を數える赤ちゃん」? I don’t think so! You can’t just make the same incoherent sound whenever your mom pauses and call that counting. That’s いち、に、さん fool!!

This next baby got one number right…

…and consistently forgot all the nine ones that came before it! Nice. Again, that’s いち、に、さん, not いち、に、じゃ～ん. You just can’t make this stuff up…

I don’t know, folks, but if his parents can claim he can count after that, where, I guess 「數」 is “number” instead of “numbers”, then we all know Japanese. I mean, you know “sushi”, right?

Let’s move on to

Colors!

Our next little ちび is either color blind or suffers from severe short-term memory loss. You decide:

That’s ピンク、あお、あか bee-atch!

Aww… But let’s give her another chance. In this second attempt, she starts out strong…

…and sharply nose-dives into a long stream of gobbledygook.

Take a look at this scorecard:

That’s after, what, two years of Japanese immersion?! Baby, please.

Last of all, let’s take a look at

Food!

“What did you eat?” A question so simple, even a two-and-a-half-year-old who had just eaten a pear and is still sitting at the table wearing her bib could answer it, no problem, right? Right?

I love it! First her dad fakes her out: もも（桃）？

She takes the bait: Yeah, yeah, that’s it, I had a peach…

And he’s like: Unh-unhh *you had a pear, baby!!*

And she’s like: Uh, yeah! なし（梨）！

Lol, and then he’s like: Was it good?

And then she looks over at her mom for a hint, like she can’t remember: Ummmm…ye-eah…

Her mom checks: So what did you eat again?

Baby: A pear! A pear, ok, A PEAR!

And she slaps the table like, Yeah! I know what I eat!

… (Two seconds later) …

Dad, playing dumb: I can’t remember anymore…what did you eat?

Baby: ええと・・・わすれちゃったぁ！

She forgot?!! Again? After two seconds? Is this baby for real?!

Dad tries to trip her up again: もも？

She’s not going for it this time… She’s smarter than that!

And here comes the icing on the cake… Wait for it…

Baby: し・・・しか（鹿）？

…

That’s right, folks, deer. As in Bambi.
She had a pea…DEER.

Sweet Jeebus, this baby’s gone crazy! Watch out, daddy! She’s gonna eat you next before she remembers that stupid piece of fruit!

Hmm… Now let’s see… What did *I* eat　today?

1. 林檎（りんご）
2. サンド
3. カレーライス
4. サラダ
5. バナナ
6. ジュース… Oh yeah and some
7. チップス

Piece. Of. ケーキ.

As for the rest of you, I know you hippies. You had sushi didn’t you?! Don’t worry, sushi （鮨／壽司） counts. And beer （ビール）. Oh, I’m sorry, *green tea* (お茶（ちゃ））. Hippies.

Final Score

Babies: 0
Us: 5

Aaaaaahhhhhh. Can you smell that? That’s the sweet fragrance of pure ownage.

Savor it, friends, savor it.

Alright, Enough Trash-talking Japanese Babies Already

Um, I’ve said a lot of nasty things here about uh… defenseless babies that I’m not too proud of, things I didn’t mean… I’d like to take a moment to publicly apologize to these babies and their parents and thank them for graciously giving us a peek into their private lives. I mean, seriously, those are some cute kids. ＼(-_-*)　反省！！

It’s obviously unfair for an uncouth, callous American brat like me to pick apart these babies’ skills when they’re still just developing. But my point in doing so, aside from just being an immature jacka**, is to remind us that it’s just as outrageous when we put ourselves down—the Japanese babies inside of us—with ridiculous adult-level expectations.

We need to nurture our own awkward growth with the same patience, encouragement, and relaxed sense of humor these parents show toward their children. They never question that their endearingly forgetful, often incoherent babies will grow into fluent, literate members of Japanese society as sure as the sun rises in the morning. And why should they? Living things grow the way they’re fed.

So as much as you may seem to suck now, don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Make sure you baby your Japanese baby everyday.

Now for those pesky three-year-olds…　さあ　來い！

Note of acknowledgment. As Ryder astutely noted in the comments below, the “I am better than your kids.” articles by legendary web pirate Maddox, creator of the aptly named The Best Page in the Universe, were indeed an important source of inspiration in writing this article.

Now I didn’t have a dream where everything was in Japanese. But I definitely remember trying to understand or speak real Japanese words in (hopefully) meaningful sentences—just like I’d been trying to understand the dialogue in the show. After six hours of listening, the language had become so familiar that my mind was reproducing it on its own. Cool.

I honestly never thought it would happen so soon. My listening level is still abysmal, my speaking level practically non-existent (although my pronunciation isn’t bad ). Dreaming in Japanese was the last thing I was expecting. But it happened, and (if it hasn’t already) it can happen to you too.

The key, I’ve found is simply listening, for long periods of time. I wasn’t pausing and writing down sentences or anything; we didn’t even have Japanese subtitles turned on. I was just trying to follow the show. Pausing, looking up words and checking subtitles is certainly important, but so is pure continuous listening. The first helps you build up vocabulary and match sounds to words; the second gets you used to real-time speed and rhythm and tests how fast you can recall what you’ve learned.

I’ve gotten pretty good at reading Japanese, but since the last Obon visit to a Japanese friend’s house, I realized: I have to practice this listening thing more if I ever want to carry on an actual conversation. Well, I’m off to the video store now to pick up the second season of Trick and hoping for some more pleasant dreams in Japanese.

Then I stumbled upon something that’s perfect for me in the most unlikely of places. 中国語に夢中 (“Engrossed in Chinese”) is a beginner book for Japanese learners of Chinese made up of simple dialogues and accompanying cartoons. It ended up in our home because Khatzumoto is learning Chinese right now (laddering up from Japanese). I, on the other hand, am using it in the opposite way that its authors intended: as a way to learn Japanese! My Chinese is intermediate level, so I can use the Chinese part to check my understanding of the Japanese. It’s a fun alternative to English translations.

Oddly, I find it to be an ideal tool for learning Japanese conversation. First of all, since it’s a book for beginners of Chinese, the Japanese translations reflect the simplicity of the Chinese dialogues. In addition, because of some accident in format, there are two Japanese translations of the same Chinese dialogue—one that’s more colloquial (in the cartoon version) and one that’s more polite (in the text-only version). I guess cartoons (where the visual humor has more of an impact) lend themselves more to slang while pure text tends to be more formal.

This coincidence is fabulous for me! For each piece of dialogue, I have two examples of how to say the same thing. Score! Because of the comic format, I also get a more gradual introduction to humor in Japanese. I mean, sometimes the humor is a bit flat (as textbook material can often be) or I still don’t get it, but it’s definitely good training for recognizing and judging comedy in another language. In addition, there are short articles on aspects of Chinese culture at the end of each dialogue. The writing here is more formal and uses longer sentences and more advanced vocabulary than the dialogue, so it could help me prepare to read Japanese books after I finish the dialogue. And when I’ve mastered Japanese (*sigh* hopefully that day isn’t too far away) I can go back and use this book to beef up my Chinese.

Yes, that’s right. Japanese materials for learning other languages can be just as valuable for learning Japanese itself. The programs on NHK (Japan’s public television station) to help viewers learn English, French, and Chinese are a perfect example of this. Often the presenters spend more time discussing (in Japanese) the grammar points or the meaning of sentences than they do speaking the target language! If you live in Japan, you can browse the language magazine section of your local bookstore and find magazines devoted to various languages (English is the most common). Inside you’ll find dialogues, celebrity interviews, newspaper articles, stories, and even recipes of varying levels of difficulty that are often accompanied by Japanese translations. NHK also publishes excellent, short (and cheap!) serialized books (a new one for each month) for learning other languages.

I don’t expect that this particular book will be of value to anyone else—it reflects my own current needs and my interest in China. But I hope the principle at least can carry over. Acquiring one language doesn’t mean you have to ignore other interests, areas of knowledge or countries that seem to be unrelated. Finally, on a more general level, never be afraid to try something new and unorthodox when other things aren’t working. As long as it has Japanese in it and it appeals to you, you’re going to learn something.

At first I was scared sheetless stiff at the thought of using a monolingual Japanese dictionary. My husband encouraged me from early on, but I was very skeptical. I didn’t think I knew enough vocabulary. I couldn’t even understand Japanese children’s books written for 2-year-olds without some serious effort…still can’t; [Note: I attempted to soothe her ego with a reminder that these books are either designed to be read to children by parents, or are written in all-hiragana — which is really hard for even Japanese adults to read. Certainly I find them quite unwieldy — Khatzumoto]. So the idea of looking up a word I didn’t know…only to encounter 10 times as many words I didn’t know in the definition…and then looking all those up only to encounter even MORE new words, and so on, seemed like opening a Pandora’s box of horrors. My husband tried to console me by telling me it would all come around in a circle to the starting point…there were only a limited number of words that could be used to describe a concept. But that just made me feel even more uneasy. If I didn’t understand any of the words in that circle anyway, how was that going to help?

At first I dipped my toe into the swimming pool with the Sanseido dictionary—a ‘concise’ Japanese-Japanese dictionary for adults. But I still found the definitions to be a bit wordy and confusing and difficult to navigate, since the search box works best with hiragana and I didn’t know the furigana on all the kanji. I went back to the trusty kanji-reading “Translate Words” function in WWWJDIC and contented myself with its wealth of English definitions. Once in a while I would salve over my guilt by cutting and pasting the simplest Japanese definitions from Sanseido (that I never fully understood and never cross-referenced). I’d stick them in the bottom of my SRS answers, telling myself that someday I’d know more words and those cryptic definitions would make sense…

But I have finally seen the light. My husband helped me select a Japanese-Japanese dictionary from the bookstore that is made for Japanese children: チャレンジ小学国語辞典（チャレンジ-しょう-がく-こく-ご-じ-てん）/The Challenge Elementary School Japanese Dictionary, published by Benesse, and edited by 湊吉正（みなと　よしまさ）, fourth edition. It has furigana on EVERY kanji in the book (woo hoo!), so I’m never lost in how to pronounce what I am reading or in looking up new words I encounter. The definitions are concise and clear, and there are helpful example sentences for each entry. I’ve been surprised at how much I already do understand, despite my limited knowledge of vocabulary. Sometimes I check my understanding with a Japanese-English dictionary, but usually I’ve already guessed right from the context—the multiple synonyms and the way the word is used in the example sentence(s). [Note: By having simple definitions and furigana on every kanji, this dictionary makes up for not being electronic — Khatzumoto].

And best of all, I no longer see the cross-referencing process as a burden…it’s a bonus—a way to easily and quickly mine new sentences for my SRS. Whenever I look up a word in my Japanese-Japanese dictionary, I enter the example sentence. Then I look up a word that’s new in that sentence (or from the definition) and use the example sentence(s) from THAT, and so on… Life is sweet.

Here is a sample page (click to enlarge):

Only verb

The first thing you need to know about Japanese sentences is that you only need the verb for the thought to be complete, as Tae Kim stresses in his excellent website. That’s it. You can drop any other information that is already understood through context. For instance, if you want to know if someone has eaten, you don’t have to ask, “Have you eaten yet?” All you have to say is:

食べましたか。 Eaten?

Likewise, that person can simply answer:

食べました。　Eaten.

The rest of a sentence in Japanese merely introduces, clarifies or emphasizes information. If something has already been mentioned, or is obvious, you can drop it. Try to be as minimalist as you can when you compose sentences and don’t put forth any unnecessary effort. For instance, a lot of English speakers make the mistake of repeating the ‘sentence subject’ (I, you, he, she…) again and again in each sentence. While technically each sentence is correct, the overall effect is wordy (and in the case of referring to oneself sounds egotistical):

私は日本語を勉強しています。私は日本語が好きです。

I am studying Japanese.　I like Japanese.

As long as you haven’t been speaking about another person, it will be obvious you are talking about yourself when you make statements. You can also try mentioning ‘Japanese’ only once. Simply say:

日本語を勉強しています。好きです。

Am studying Japanese. Like (it).

The force … save you it can

You probably have noticed by now, that although the verb is the core of the sentence, it always comes last in order. That can be challenging when you are reading, listening or trying to compose a sentence since you won’t be able to tie it together until the end. You have to think of making meaning in a whole new way.

We are used to the idea that first is the best or most important, but in Japanese you could say the reverse is true. Although the other parts of the sentence offer clues along the way, the key that makes sense of them all is saved until the end. It’s similar to the way Yoda speaks in Star Wars, as when he tells Luke Skywalker, “Impatient you are.” Notice how Yoda could just as well say something like, “Patient…you are not,” and Luke wouldn’t be able guess what was meant until he heard the end.

In fact, as Khatzumoto pointed out to me, kabuki theatre often exploits this built-in suspense. Elaborately long sentences can tease the audience as they wait for the final pay-off. For example, an actor could say something like this:

Speaking of Katsumoto…the one who so recently…and to our great shock…and the humiliation of the whole town…and the dishonor of his family…on this very day…on the eve of his mother’s birthday…with disregard for public sanctions…and with reckless abandon…so that all could hear within a twenty ri radius…so that the farmers in the neighboring town stopped planting rice to listen…and producing an unmentionable smell…which made even the dogs hide their faces…loudly farted.

You can think of the sentence as setting the stage with all the necessary elements (characters, scenery, mood) before the action brings them to life, like a hand animates puppets. It’s not like in English where someone or something always takes the spotlight and exists or acts independently.

In Japanese, then, it is always the verb force which acts—people and things manifest that action. Just as Yoda taught Luke Sky-walker, English speakers learning Japanese need to let go of the idea of personal control and let ‘the force’ take over and do the work.

Baby steps

Let’s see how this difference plays out in a simple sentence about our favorite Jedi master:

ヨーダさんは五時に起きます。

Though we can translate it as “Yoda-san wakes up at five o’clock,” that is not exactly what the original is saying. Though it sounds awkward in English, the meaning is more like: “As for Yoda, at five o’clock, wakes up.”

With a slightly different nuance, we can also re-arrange the sentence as:

五時にヨーダさんは起きます。

Or, “At five o’clock, as for Yoda-san, wakes up.”

As important as Yoda seems to the sentence, ultimately even he is a prop attached to the main thought, just like five o’clock. In Japanese, the focus is waking up. Yoda and five o’clock are both elements dependent on that action. Their tags (はand に) mark their different roles in showing how the getting up is done, but do not necessarily mean one element is more important than the other.

All this, of course, indicates a different way of looking at the world, where action and being happen through and despite us. Thought-provoking, it is. Welcome to Japanese!

by Momoko