Note from Dear Leader Khatzumoto: The following post is by Momoko, and not me. Momoko likes to use language that we don’t approve of here at AJATT. It’s like she’s doing that teenage rebellion thing, but like 15 years too late…way to be on time, champ. Um…I actually tried bowdlerizing her text, but…anyway, yeah…

This is the second installment in a new weekly series by Momoko, 「お巫山戯（ふざけ）、日本語で」, or “F***ing around in Japanese”. In it, Momoko will document how she…f***s around in Japanese, with the hope that the links to Japanese media and the irreverent setting will help readers relax a bit, go off on their own as the call of insanity dictates, and screw around in Japanese as well. (And, frankly, since Momoko’s the kind of uptight perfectionist that needs this sort of thing the most…it’s really all for her own benefit anyway.)

Last week we went head-to-head with a round-up of Japanese babies and found that, despite all their cuteness, those ちび’s got nothing on us Japanese-wise.

Once those little two-and-a-half-year-old’s who can’t remember the names of colors or what they ate for lunch pass their third birthday, however, it’s a different story. Suddenly you’ve got an entitled motor-mouth bossing you around and trying to explain these long, convoluted stories as you desperately nod your incomprehensive face and hope she won’t be able to tell she lost you 10 minutes back after the first breathless あのね、･･･ .

Yes, those three-year-old’s have something…special.

I’ve thought about this phenomenon long and hard, and as I see it, the one thing these kids got that we don’t got is the super-secret coming-of-age rite each Japanese child is initiated into just before they turn three: 排泄訓練（はいせつくんれん）, or potty-training…in Japanese. I mean, where else would they get that gloating air of self-satisfaction, that preternatural confidence and poise?

Not potty-trained in Japanese yet? NO PROBLEM. Today, my friend, you are going to earn your very own pair of J-pants and become a パンパン・パンツマン! With the help of a singing family of tigers! Yeah!

I know, I know, you’re practically peeing your pants with excitement… Just hold that thought…just a little longer until you know what to do.

We’ll receive our basic training from the infamous classic　「トイレで できたら パンツマン」 (Use-the-Potty Pantsman/ If you can use the potty, you’re a pantsman!). Just click on the screen below and しまじろう （縞次郎 – “Stripey”) and his friends おしっこ君 (Mr. Pee) and うんち君 (Mr. Poo) will hook-you-up （there’s even a peek at some wicked しまじろう potty-training gear at the end):

(A version with helpful matching English subtitles can also be found here.)

This is a lot of information to take in at once, I know. So let’s take it step-by-step and do a little image training, yeah?

おしっこだ！: Going #1

Okay, so you’re sitting there, doing your kanji reps (プップー), gulping down your favorite sugary yogurt drink ピルクル, when all of a sudden you get this weird, prickly sensation down in your… “stomach” …

おっ！お腹（なか）がむずむずする！

you exclaim, wondering what on earth it could mean…

Then the cloying jiminy-cricket-like voice of Mama Tiger pops into your head and chimes in:

むずむずした時（とき）、なーん（何）だ？

What does it mean when your tummy goes むずむず? What indeed… You concentrate really hard, and

むずむず！むずむず！

a tear-drop-shaped gremlin starts jumping up and down all up inside of you, tickling you in strange places, making you think of…Niagara falls…*that’s right, the tear-drop-shaped gremlin means…*

おしっこだ！

Pee-pee!! Yesss!! I’ve got this one!

僕（ぼく）トイレ！

(or if you’re of the female persuasion)

私（わたし）トイレ！

I gotta go!

You scamper off to the toilet and, lo and behold, it greets you in Japanese:

やあ、(your name)！

and you’re like, ohmygosh I gotta pee,

僕／私 おしっこなの。

And then in a totally platonic, non-creepy way, the magical talking toilet tells you to come sit on its lap…

よーし、僕に座って（すわって）。

And you’re all

うん！

Yeah! Let’s do this!

Then in the back of your mind, it’s as if you can hear a million AJATTeer voices all around you, encouraging you on:

(Your name)、一緒（いっしょ）に頑張ろう（がんばろう）！

Let’s do this together!

You clench both fists with a look of grim determination like, I’m going to do this pee-pee or go down trying, and

うん！

you give a firm nod…it’s pee-pee song time.

おしっこ　出る出る（でるでる）　♪	Pee-pee come out, come out
しーぱっぱ　♪	Ssss-sss-sss
しーぱっぱ　♪	Ssss-sss-sss
しーぱ　しーぱ　♪	Ssss-sss Ssss-sss
おしっこ　しーぱっぱ　♪	Pee-pee Ssss-sss-sss

Hmm…so catchy…しーぱっぱ… Before you know it,

やほー！

Cowabunga!!! おしっこ君 magically water-slides out of you and into the toilet, laughing hysterically like he’s having the time of his life !

And you’re all, OMG! The pee-pee came out!

おしっこ出た（でた）！

And the crowd goes wild:

わーい！やった！やった！

Woohoo! You did it!! Look at you all grown up and peeing in Japanese! Yeah!!

Now it’s time to say good-bye to Mr. Pee as you flush him down to a better place:

おしっこ君（くん）、バイバイ！

As you triumphantly wash your hands, your imaginary tiger mother heaps on the praise:

トイレでおしっこ出來た（できた）わね！

You did a pee-pee on the toilet, doncha know!

うん！

That’s right bee-atch! This little cub’s going places!

Now you’re half-way to those coveted panties. Just one more Rubicon to cross…

僕うんち！: Going #2

So you’re snacking away on ポッキー sticks and popcorn, watching your favorite Japanese drama. It’s just getting to the good part when all of a sudden…

あれ？　お尻（しり）がむずむずする！

What the? It’s that むずむず feeling again, but this time in your butt!!

Here comes that jiminy-cricket voice again, but this time in the paternal bass of Papa Tiger…

むずむずした時、なーんだ？

What could it be? Irritable bowel syndrome? Think, think, think…

むずむず！むずむず！

Woah, there’s another gremlin bouncing up and down inside your nether-regions! But this time it looks like a little brown blob…kind of like…oh ye-eah…

僕／私 うんち！

I gotta poo!!

トイレに行く（いく）！

To the toilet-mobile!

Your trusty toilet is waiting and ready for action:

よーし！うんちも頑張って（がんばって）みよう！

Righty-o! Let’s give this poo-thing a try!

うん！

All right! You’re all psyched up, you get into position, and it’s time for the poo-poo song:

うんち　出る出る（でるでる）　♪	Poo-poo come out, come out
うんぱっぱ　♪	Mmf-plop-plop
うーんぱっぱ　♪	Mmmmmf-plop-plop
うんぱ　うんぱ　♪	Mmf-plop Mmf-plop
うんち　うーんぱっぱ　♪	Poopee Nnnnggh-plop-plop

One more squeeze and …

わーい！

Weeee! Out pops うんち君! What a happy little sh**!

うんち出た！

The うんち is out! You did it!

やったね、(your name)！

It’s party time! A magical ball bursts open, trumpets play, and all this confetti floats down! It’s like you’re a hero in a ticker-tape parade!

Now bend over and wipe that a**…

お尻を拭いて（ふいて）

…and say good-bye to the giggling little turd as he swirls down the hole!

うんち君、バイバイ！

Whew, doesn’t that feel good.

あ～　すっきりした！

Fresh as a daisy!

Wow, you can’t believe it… Won’t your tiger dad be proud!

お父さん（おとうさん）、僕／私 トイレでうんち出來たね！

Daddy, daddy, I did a brown poopee on the toilet, didn’t I!!!

うん！すごいぞ！

You sure did, little trouper! Way to go!

パンパン･パンツマンだ！: Look ｗho’s a pantsman now!

And now *ahem* it is time for the donning of the sacred pants:

今日（きょう）から（your name）も･･･パンパン・パンツマンだ！！！

From this day henceforth, you too shall be known as a…

*Dah duh-duh DAH!*

…pan-pan-PANTSMAN!!!

OMG!!! Look at those spanking new J-pants! Sparkling like a million suns! Go ahead, try ’em on… Yeah, you like that?

パンツで気持ち（きもち）いい！

You bet they feel good! That’s the feeling of POWER! You’re not a Japanese baby anymore, son — now you’re a full-fledged member of the J-Pants Big People Society.

Yeah, go on, give those knickers a good smack!

パンパン　パンツマン！

Now, we must protect…this…house!

*パンパン　パン　パンパン　パン*

Who will protect this ho-ouse?

I will, I will!

Will you protect this ho-ouse?

I will, I will!

We must protect this house!

I will I will!!

J-PANTS!!!

Aaaah! すっきりした！Can you feel it?! That new-found pride and sense of accomplishment?

If you’re still feeling a bit lost, don’t worry! We’ll be practicing a lot more in coming installments. You’ll learn how to handle any situation — Japanese-style toilets, running out of toilet paper, having to go pee and poo at the same time, constipation…

By the end of this month, you will have *mastered* this subtle Japanese art. You, too, can be a パンパン　パンツマン!

きみも一緒にパンツマンになろう！

More fun links:

If しまじろう’s tireless enthusiasm and squeaky voice haven’t driven you crazy yet, try playing some free online games at his official website (don’t worry—no more bouncing turds).

Here are some ones to get you started (these have both sound and Japanese subtitles all the way through):

きみは　なにが　すき？/ What do you like?: Compare what you and しまじろう like (omg!).

きょうは　なにして　あそぶ？/ What do you want to ‘play’ today? (two options: shopping or soccer): Help しまじろう find food in the grocery store or play a soccer game with him.

たんじょうびは　いつ？/ When’s your birthday?: Guess しまじろう’s birthday and tell him yours.

And last but not least, be sure not to miss:

しまじろうと　ぐー・ちょき・ぱー/ Play ‘Rock-Scissors-Paper’ with Shimajirou (sound but no subtitles): See if you can beat しまじろう at Rock-Paper-Scissors (watch out — that tiger’s pretty good).

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