Remember that one time when I put up a video of me speaking Japanese on YouTube and how much you enjoyed that? Yeah? Well, in case you hadn’t noticed, a good number of my friends, acquaintances and…random people I talk to are camera-shy jerkoffs. I know, right? “Privacy”. Please.

Tip: always be careful when reading or listening to the words of someone who sees himself like this… 🙂

So, in early 2010, almost exactly three years ago, I quite literally took matters into my own hands. I went over to Amazon Japan and purchased what was then the best consumer IC recorder money could buy ¹ — because, frankly, you deserve the best sound quality possible. But that shiz I mean device was too big and obvious, so I got a…whatchamacallit, a hidden lapel microphone as well, to attach to the recorder. And then I went about my life.

…And magic happened.

Now, after almost three years of secretly violating people’s trust ², accumulating, compiling and editing raw “footage” (does that word work for audio?), the first volume of “AJATT.talk: The Secret Khatzumoto Recordings” is here. Have you ever wondered what I — or indeed any other speaker of raw, real-life, unscripted Japanese — sound like in real life, going about daily business, flirting with the dental assistant while she takes a mold of my teeth, ordering pizza, hanging out at home on the tatami mat with friends who shoulda known better than to refuse to appear on video with me (the bastards), getting my cellphone PIN reset by Softbank tech support, buying banana soymilk at the convenience store?

Well, wonder no more, because now you’re about to know.

AJATT.talk: The Secret Khatzumoto Recordings gets you the following:

• 17 tracks of secretly recorded audio, including but not limited to Khatzumoto (sssh….ssshh…it’s OK, baby; daddy’s just talking about himself in the third person) :
  • Flirting with the dental assistant while getting a mold taken for fillings screw you needing fillings doesn’t make me a bad person
    • Harry Flores: “I do feel kinda stalkerish listening to these…it’s fun though…really interesting! (Love the dentist one )”
  • Buying candy at the convenience store while visibly wearing a bra (I am not making this up)
  • Ordering vegetarian pizza over the phone because…I like doing that.
  • Talking trash with his friends, everything from Taylor Swift’s lack of ethnic ambiguity to…cellphone provider policies of
  • Reading Japanese books out loud (朗読) for fun
  • Buying an air ticket to Taiwan
  • Getting passwords reset by tech support reps who may or may not have been recording me for quality assurance purposes. Oh, the irony, beeches! The delicious irony of it all! Who’s on top now?! Huh?! Who’s top now?!
  • …And much more more!
• All tracks are in Japanese
• Each track comes with a full English explanation of the entire situation, as well as background and related information, so you know exactly what’s happening, who’s saying what and why.
• There’s even a transcription of one of those corporate call center voice menus with the fast-talking women (“to kill yourself, press ‘1’”), so that you can actually know what they’re saying for once in your life 😉
• Things would be awesome enough if all you got were those audio tracks. But no. It doesn’t stop there. You also get $217.11 ³ worth of freebies! Wait…please…stop salivating on your keyboard. I haven’t even started describing them yet:
  • Free EXCLUSIVE Bonus: Rare video of Khatz speaking Japanese with controversial and reclusive YouTube superstar, model and singer AppleMilk1988 (Emily Connor). In it, we discuss and promote the Midi-chlorian theory of Japanese: practice is nothing, congenital talent is everything. Francis Galton was right: AppleMilk1988 and I are magical. We we have the secret sauce: we were basically born knowing Japanese.
    • Drewskie: “Always a pleasure to see Khatz flex his muscles.”
    • 黒澤譲: “Where can I get some of those Japanese Midi-chlorians?”
  • Free Bonus: My First Sentence Pack, 2013 Edition — revised, edited and beautifully reformatted for a new decade
  • Free Bonus: The Science-Fiction Sentence Pack (Volume 3 of the “Forbidden Japanese” series)
  • Free Bonus: The MCD Quickstart Guide — to help you get the most of your sentence packs by turning them into MCDs, the most effortless, versatile and hyper-powerful and effortless (yeah, twice) SRS technique to date.
    • How To Do MCD Reps
    • How To Create MCD Cards in Surusu
  • 1 Free month of AJATT Plus
    • Premium content
    • Japanese translations of AJATT content
    • Free previews future products
    • The only troll-free Japanese language forum in the Universe
    • Automatically recurring for your convenience
    • You can quit any time — even right after your purchase — and still enjoy your free month of access
• No DRM. All 100% DRM-free. No DRM whatsoever: You are a good person. I trust you. I know you’re not going to screw me over. I believe you should and must have the right to remix (copy and paste, etc.) information for your personal, educational use. I believe that information is for fiddling with, not just looking at. I believe that you, a paying customer, should and must not be treated like a freaking criminal and subjected to ludicrous, draconian restrictions on how you manipulate data you paid for for you own consumption. This product is easy to manipulate digitally for your personal, educational use, so that you can get the maximum possible value out of it.

But enough talk about talk. Get your copy of AJATT.talk: The Secret Khatzumoto Recordings now!

• Timebomb pricing: Out of the kindness of my heart, there is no limit to the number of copies of AJATT.talk: The Secret Khatzumoto Recordings that will be made available. However, the price will go up every 15 minutes, like an upward-ticking timebomb, so the longer you wait, the more it costs. ⁴ The sooner you get yours, the less you pay. The sooner you act, the better a deal you get. That is the AJATT way: early adopters are always richly rewarded.
• What the…Why? Well, the video and sentence pack bonuses alone are worth more than the main package — $217.11, to be exact. Plus, frankly, since these are secret recordings ⁵, I’d rather as few people as possible got their hands on them. The fewer people have access to these, the better. I don’t want this stuff just going around…like that mother of yours.
• What?
• 100% Refund Guarantee: Oh yeah — I’m a perfect and flawless being, but I know that not everyone has my level of refinement and taste, so if, for whatever reason, you don’t like the package, you’re always welcome to a full refund. No hassle, no questions. Just be like: “You know I love you, AJATT.talk and I just want to be friends”.